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Wait, so Congress truly managed to cross a unbroken decision to maintain the federal government open for one more 45 days? And right here two of the Sunday reveals had already booked Matt Gaetz. This ought to be enjoyable.
Will Gaetz 1) complain that that is brutally unfair to hardworking American taxpayers like Donald Trump and his next-door neighbor Vladimir, erm, Peterson, 2) introduce the world to his subsequent spouse, whose ultrasound photograph he just lately favorited on OkCupid, 3) slurp Jonathan Karl up like a hunk of Fazoli’s linguine whereas pugnaciously buzzing “Flight of the Valkyries,” or 4) promise to take one other go at ruining the lives of hundreds of thousands of Individuals who rely on authorities paychecks?
Or possibly he’ll be grilled in regards to the Republicans’ faux impeachment of President Biden. In case you missed it, they held a listening to on Thursday that proved Joe Biden unconditionally loves his son. Republicans additionally known as a witness who admitted there was no foundation for impeachment. In different phrases, it was the shittiest shitshow you’ll ever see, even should you survive previous the warmth dying of the universe. However hey, this can be a resilient bunch. They will restart their impeachment campaign at one other time. Possibly they’ll launch seven separate impeachment weeks earlier than they finally get bored and overlook any of this ever occurred.
Additionally, Kristen Welker is taking a while away from the 24/7 grind of undermining Western democracy. She’ll must both-sides Donald Trump’s yard orphans vs. puppies combat membership another time. “Meet the Press” has been preempted by NBC’s Ryder Cup protection.
RELATED: Sunday 4-Play: The elephant within the room plops down on ‘Meet the Press’
And because the Home Judiciary GOP is aware of, should you can’t make up impeachable crimes, on the very least you’ll be able to blame Joe Biden for our nation’s more and more regarding golf hole.
Lastly, will any of the reveals point out that Donald Trump gave a speech on Friday that made Ozzy Osborne biting the top off a bat appear to be Demosthenes’ Third Philippic?
Oh, yeah. It was bonkers, yo. Right here’s only one excerpt of the staff protection from “The Weekly What within the Ever-Dwelling Fuck Is This Now, Gladys?”
“All of the at the moment dry canals shall be brimming and used to irrigate every little thing, together with your personal properties and loos and every little thing,” Trump promised drought-beleaguered Californians as trillions of Filet-O-Fish particles from previous lunches circled his head in a state of superposition ready to be noticed and develop into a sandwich. “You’re going to be completely satisfied, and I’m going to get it carried out quick.”
When requested for clarification, a Trump marketing campaign spokesperson mentioned the previous president’s complete 10-point plan for irrigating your lavatory will be launched in two weeks.
And now on to the (un)standard nonsense.
1.
Converse of the satan! No, actually. Please communicate of the satan. Summoning Devil to feast on my steaming viscera as I claw my gobsmacked face off with my newly gargoylish Howard Hughes arms for the remainder of eternity may be preferable to transcribing this clip.
Gaetz broke information on the Sunday reveals this week, saying that he plans to punish Home Speaker Kevin McCarthy for working with Democrats to make sure that 1.5 million hardworking Individuals don’t instantly lose their paychecks for no motive.
ABC Information:
Arduous-line Republican Rep. Matt Gaetz plans a vote this week to attempt to take away Speaker Kevin McCarthy from his function as punishment for McCarthy orchestrating a bipartisan stopgap authorities funding invoice to stave off a shutdown, Gaetz mentioned Sunday.
…
Eradicating McCarthy would basically halt all legislative enterprise within the Home till a alternative is picked. It stays unclear if Gaetz at the moment has greater than a handful of votes for such a dramatic transfer. McCarthy has dismissed the danger of a vacate movement.
“Deliver it,” he has mentioned.
On Sunday, Gaetz responded, “Kevin McCarthy’s going to get his want.”
Right here’s Matt speaking with Jonathan Karl of ABC’s “This Week” about his plans to close down the Home as a result of Kevin didn’t comply with shut down the federal government:
KARL: “So that you’re not conducting something right here.”
GAETZ: “That’s not true.”
KARL: “Properly, you don’t have the votes to take away him.”
GAETZ: “Properly, I—by the best way, I don’t know till now we have him, and by the best way, I won’t have him the primary time, however I might need him earlier than the fifteenth poll. That’s the variety of ballots Kevin McCarthy wanted.”
KARL: “So are you going to do that every single day such as you instructed? Are you going to undergo this technique of voting over and again and again?”
GAETZ: “I’m relentless, and I’ll proceed to pursue this goal. And if all of the American individuals see is that it’s a uniparty that governs them and that it’s all the time the Biden-McCarthy-Jeffries authorities that makes dispositive selections on spending, then I’m seeding the fields of future major contests to get higher Republicans in Washington who will truly deal with these deficits and money owed.”
To begin with, Matt Gaetz is just about the final particular person I need to hear say “seeding the fields.” Coming from him it simply sounds gross. I can’t put my finger on it—it simply does. It’s not the phrase itself essentially. It’s his affiliation with it. It’d sound marginally much less gross coming from a farmer, in fact—even when that farmer was Ed Gein.
Secondly, conducting nothing is form of the entire level of Republicans, isn’t it? Matt is set to carry the road on deficits when a Democrat is within the White Home so he can choke the life out of the financial system and return Pricey Chief to his gilded throne. If he has to create unprecedented chaos to take action, that’s simply gravy.
RELATED: Sunday 4-Play: Auntie Maxine Waters scorches GOP, and Matt Gaetz makes a startling admission
2.
Converse of this different satan! Home Speaker Kevin McCarthy appeared on “Face the Nation” with host Margaret Brennan to answer Gaetz’s perduring and performative Trump-humping. Brennan requested Evil Opie what he considered Gaetz’s shoving-nerds-into-gym-lockers type of governing, and McCarthy did his finest to challenge a way of calm.
BRENNAN: “There’s a lot to get to with you. I need to begin, although, on the information this morning from Congressman Matt Gaetz who says he’s going to hunt a movement to vacate. He’s going to attempt to oust you as speaker of the Home.”
MCCARTHY: “That’s nothing new, he’s tried to do this from the second I ran for workplace.”
BRENNAN: “Properly, this time he says he’s going to maintain going. Might not get there earlier than the fifteenth poll, however it took 15 for Kevin McCarthy. He says he’s coming for you. Are you able to survive?”
MCCARTHY: “Sure, I’ll survive. That is private with Matt. Matt voted towards probably the most conservative potential to guard our border, safe our border. He’s extra taken with securing TV interviews than doing one thing. He wished to push us right into a shutdown, even threatening his personal district with all of the army individuals there who wouldn’t be paid, solely as a result of he desires to take this movement. So be it, carry it on, let’s recover from with it [sic], and let’s begin governing. If he’s upset as a result of he tried to push us in a shutdown and I made certain authorities didn’t shut down, then let’s have that combat.”
Oh, boy! This ought to be enjoyable. I’m certain y’all keep in mind January’s protracted Home speaker vote. It was like watching two greased hippos attempting to screw on an elevator. Properly, now we get to look at two hippos attempting to screw on an elevator in reverse!
BONUS CLIP!
McCarthy is nonetheless attempting in charge Democrats for this 100% Republican-manufactured disaster.
BRENNAN: “Had been you assured we wouldn’t shut down?”
MCCARTHY: “I used to be assured I may get one thing on the ground to ensure the choice that we’d not …”
BRENNAN: “However you weren’t certain it was going to cross.”
MCCARTHY: “Properly, I wasn’t certain it was going to cross. You need to know why? As a result of the Democrats tried to do every little thing they will to not let it cross.”
BRENNAN: “Democrats have been those who voted for this in a bigger quantity than Republicans to maintain the persevering with decision alive.”
MCCARTHY: “Did you watch the ground yesterday?”
BRENNAN: “Oh, sure, 90 Republicans voted towards it.”
And … scene.
Thanks, Speaker McCarthy, and good luck. You’ll want it as a result of …
3.
Gee willikers, Aunt Bee! Seems like Kevin isn’t going to get a lot assist from Democrats! Not less than with out having to provide them one thing in return.
Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez joined Jake Tapper on CNN’s “State of the Union” and mentioned she completely would vote to vacate the speaker’s chair. As a result of, you realize, McCarthy actually, actually sucks.
TAPPER: “So that you simply heard Congressman Matt Gaetz say he’s going to maneuver to oust McCarthy as speaker this week. If a movement to vacate the chair involves the ground, how would you vote?”
OCASIO-CORTEZ: “Properly, my vote starting this time period for speaker of the Home was for Hakeem Jeffries. And I don’t intend on voting for a Republican speaker of the Home, however I imagine that it’s as much as the Republican convention to find out their very own management and take care of their very own issues. Nevertheless it’s lower than Democrats to avoid wasting Republicans—from themselves, particularly.”
TAPPER: “Do you suppose that there shall be any Democrats which may vote to avoid wasting McCarthy?”
OCASIO-CORTEZ: “I imply, I definitely don’t suppose that we’d count on to see that except there’s an actual dialog between Republican and Democratic caucuses and Republican and Democratic management about what that will imply, however I don’t suppose we’d quit votes totally free.”
TAPPER: “However would you vote to vacate? Would you vote to eliminate McCarthy as speaker?”
OCASIO-CORTEZ: “Would I solid that vote? Completely. I believe Kevin McCarthy is a really weak speaker. He clearly has misplaced management of his caucus. He has introduced america and hundreds of thousands of Individuals to the brink ready till the ultimate hour to maintain the federal government open, and even then solely issuing a 45-day extension, so we’re going to be proper again on this place in November. And, you realize, I believe that our primary precedence needs to be the American individuals and we’re going to maintain our governance in a cohesive and robust place, however except Kevin McCarthy asks for a vote, once more, I don’t suppose we give one thing away totally free.”
McCarthy ought to have discovered this common maxim way back: Should you attempt to please everybody, you find yourself pleasing nobody. And now everybody hates him. And he may lose his job. And certain go down as one of many worst and weakest Home leaders in U.S. historical past.
However hey, at the least he obtained to be speaker! Very like Anne Boleyn obtained to be queen and Eva Braun finally managed to wrangle a wedding proposal out of Hitler.
RELATED: Sunday 4-Play: It is Chuck Todd’s final day! And we’re ridin’ with Biden
4.
GOP Rep. Nancy Mace appeared on “Sunday Morning Futures” with Maria Bartiromo, whose present is roughly the journalistic equal of ingesting from a firehose of curdled Yoo-hoo.
However even Fox Information journalists are beginning to marvel WTF Republicans are attempting to perform with their Biden impeachment push, and so Bartiromo will need to have felt empowered to ask a professional query for as soon as.
In fact, irrespective of what number of other ways Republicans attempt to reply the query on the coronary heart of their efforts—i.e., what did President Biden truly do this’s even remotely impeachable?—they nonetheless whiff each time.
BARTIROMO: “Have you ever been capable of determine particular coverage selections that Joe Biden made that he was paid for?”
MACE: “I’ve not had the flexibility to analysis that. I’ve been trying extra on the LLCs, the financial institution data, the entire lies that Joe Biden has informed, and what proof now we have to this point in conferences, dinners, appointments, White Home data, and so forth., telephone messages, textual content messages, emails, and so forth., connecting the dots with Joe Biden.”
Oh, look! Extra nothing! Wait, this is similar nothing we’ve already reported on. Let’s discover a contemporary angle on this previous pile of nothing and reintroduce it as a new pile of nothing! However do not rush us! It took us greater than two years to dig up all this nothing, and nothing doesn’t develop on timber. You’ll simply must be affected person. Like Job, that good man from the Bible who did nothing flawed however was relentlessly harassed by Devil anyway.
For some motive that Bible story appears related proper now. Very like the one the place Jesus solid a legion of demons out of Donald Trump and into a close-by herd of pigs. Or possibly it was the opposite means round. I overlook. It’s been some time since I darkened the door of a church, to be utterly sincere with you.
However wait! There’s extra!
That’s all for now. Have an incredible, productive, and shutdown-free week!
Try Aldous J. Pennyfarthing’s four-volume Trump-trashing compendium, together with the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this hyperlink. Or, should you favor a check drive, you’ll be able to obtain the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low worth of FREE.
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